The past week my family and i have been in the midst of a massive move, massive not in terms of distance since it is still within New Jersey, but more so in terms of quantity and the emotional uprisings that going through decades of letters, journals, and memories of the past can stir up.
Among the many things that I came across in my purging was a journal from several years ago when I was a young tike in my early 20's single and engaged in my quest to know myself. I was passionate, intense, and raw in my poetry untainted by the seeming obligations and possible pressures of relationships and other more "real world" responsibilities. Years later, after having gone through various twists and turns moments where in some ways I had to lose myself to find myself, I reach that state again, single engaged and raw. As I reconnect with my essence "my who'ness" as a friend would put it, being more and more grounded within my "self", as I read these once written expressions, they again provide a pathway to help me connect with my muse.
In the tradition I grew up in there a deep respect for "The Great Mother" as creative feminine force in nature often associated with creative, generative process - the arts, knowledge, self realization, etc - and so love is in this case becomes and experience of connection - eros, the feeling of being "in the moment" when you look out a watch a bird tweet it's way along with sipping the soothing drops from a cup of tea in the morning, or when you have conversations with your inner circle where you're all on the same wavelength and everyone is perfect just the way they are, or when you look into your lover's eyes in deep appreciation for each other's being-ness loving loving.
The following are two such short pieces. They talk a lot about a deep yearning and longing. For me, one of the deepest sources of joy is meeting people who share a similar passion, intensity for their work and own creative processes. Somewhere along the way in the past several years, I found myself deep in the trenches of internalized "should do's", "need to's", and "have to's", and now while that I have value for those, they exist inside a larger context of creativity, self discovery, and resonating with fellow "passionates".
Home Again
Please take me back home
Back to the alien world I came from
Where I can once again be happy
and content
Where I can sit watching the sky
and give a satisfied sigh
Thinking all the while
"I finally know".
Please take me back to the land of kings
where there are no strings,
obligations attached to people and things
Where I can once again see and feel the pulsation of life
all around me
The birds, the grass, the trees
Where I can be free from the illusions
of my dillusion based perceptions
All all around I see there are only
living perfections
Where everything is right
harmoniously in its own place.
Where things are never said
but sensitivity felt and understood
Please take me back to this land of harmony
where I belong
And The Mother sings her melodious song
Lulling me in her arms
While I enter a deep sleep ecstasy.
Another caveat:
I am a beggar for love
A pan-handler for passion
Swimming in the sea of ecstasy
Flying in the winds of infinity
As my being pours over me
Feet below, gaze above
Thursday, August 27, 2009
Thursday, June 11, 2009
"SING!" (a poem from the past)
As I endeavor to find my creative muse, I tripped over some old poems and among them was the following which I wrote at a threshold of growth. It was shortly before I was called to apply to the academic program I'm currently in and I was just questioning my "purpose" and feeling the internal pressure to have to "figure it out"....
SING!
I'm sitting here at the crossroads of my existence
Running out of my creative sustenance
Caught between two polar opposites
With a noose around my esophagus
Runnin' outta time
Goin' outta my mind
Will you be so kind?
To help me find my sanity?
Trapped between 2 realities
Losing the grips of my moralities
I am my own worst enemy
And the key to my serenity
Why can't I
Just fly
High in the sky
No "hellos" or "goodbyes"
Nor bursting laugher or sighs
Trapped between who I am and who I wanna be
It's too hard,
Can't you see,
To manifest my divinity?
It takes too much outta me
To hypothesize
And begin to realize
How to self-actualize
I've forgotten
And spoiled myself rotten
Grown soft as cotton
As I'm trottin'
On this downward spiral
My BEING dull by the confrontation of life.
To be free from this dillusion
And be master of this illusion
I must bring to fusion
The causes of my confusion
I must shed my cacoon for my wings
And let freedom ring
From the corners of my being
BREAK OUT
From doubt
And shout out loud!
At the top of my lungs
As my past is hung
With its neck wrung
Making way
Without delay
For the ideal
To become real!
Not to play some given part
BUT CREATE FROM THE START
My own spiritual chart!
To shed my cacoon for my wings
And let freedom ring
From the corners of my being
I hold the key within me
To unlocking my true reality
To SHED MY CACOON FOR MY WINGS
AND LET FREEDOM RING
FROM THE CORNERS OF MY BEING!
SING!
I'm sitting here at the crossroads of my existence
Running out of my creative sustenance
Caught between two polar opposites
With a noose around my esophagus
Runnin' outta time
Goin' outta my mind
Will you be so kind?
To help me find my sanity?
Trapped between 2 realities
Losing the grips of my moralities
I am my own worst enemy
And the key to my serenity
Why can't I
Just fly
High in the sky
No "hellos" or "goodbyes"
Nor bursting laugher or sighs
Trapped between who I am and who I wanna be
It's too hard,
Can't you see,
To manifest my divinity?
It takes too much outta me
To hypothesize
And begin to realize
How to self-actualize
I've forgotten
And spoiled myself rotten
Grown soft as cotton
As I'm trottin'
On this downward spiral
My BEING dull by the confrontation of life.
To be free from this dillusion
And be master of this illusion
I must bring to fusion
The causes of my confusion
I must shed my cacoon for my wings
And let freedom ring
From the corners of my being
BREAK OUT
From doubt
And shout out loud!
At the top of my lungs
As my past is hung
With its neck wrung
Making way
Without delay
For the ideal
To become real!
Not to play some given part
BUT CREATE FROM THE START
My own spiritual chart!
To shed my cacoon for my wings
And let freedom ring
From the corners of my being
I hold the key within me
To unlocking my true reality
To SHED MY CACOON FOR MY WINGS
AND LET FREEDOM RING
FROM THE CORNERS OF MY BEING!
Friday, June 5, 2009
Playing it safe, being half alive or rocking the boat, being fully alive - which is better?
It's about 6:30a here in SF and I've been up all night, after a long flight back from Chicago, an hour and a half trek from the airport, breaking in my new "perfect pushups" and energized...all because of the following revelations....
After leaving Chicago in a bit of a mentally paralyzing uncertain state about where I stand in my relationship primarily due to my doubts about myself, I was committed to finding some clarity with no clue how. Not only could I not see the metaphorical forest from the trees, but the fog was so think, I couldn't even see the trees. The minute our flight stabilizes, down came the meal tray and out came my laptop. I was ready to journal and reflect no matter how much typing I had to do.
One of the things Riddhi said really hit home to me, "in whatever a person does, if they don't give it 100%, then what's the point? might as well just give it up and go onto something you CAN commit 100% to", that among many things we talked about during our 4 hr drive to Midway stuck with me. As I started running typographic diarrhea of emotion (and pardon the analogy, y'know sometimes when you've been venting or been in a funk for a while there just comes a time you say "alright pal, enough is enough, just give it up and move on?" .. yeah, that's kind of the effect I was going for with that one), I suddenly heard the words of a coach and dear friend of mine saying,
"Parth, we're all just a bunch of conversations, a series of patterns that react based on triggers...someone flips the switch, pushes THAT button and boom we go, conversations come flooding in, the thing is that we've never been taught how to see which statements in our internal monologue are conversations and how to choose which ones to empower."
So true! It's like TV cords is permanently plugged in, the remote's broke, and the setting's on scan (the monkey mind constantly jumping), and we have no idea how to focus in on what's being said and critically look at it cuz we're just comforted by the noise of it. The overarching themes of those TV shows, or "contexts" behind-the-scenes dictate the story line and so the stories begin. Slowly letting this soak in, I find myself fired up by the prospect of writing my own themes for today and this weekend, allowing myself permission to be totally creative.
I recently came across the following article about a young woman whose sentiment on living life fully really resonated http://bit.ly/137Lbv. I can recall that during those moments I get self conscious about what others might think or how I might get perceived, immediately following comes a sense of "I could have, but didn't". During those moments stories like these are inspiring and motivating in bringing me back to creating my own themes/contexts for MY life and for those individuals and communities I want to touch and empower.
Well, game on! And I invite you to play with me. On this Friday, with the weekend fast approaching, what themes would you like to create? What lights YOU up? What gets YOU out of bed?
I've also learned from past teachers who have said that to keep things in existence, present, and clear, we need precise tools...I recently came across http://www.toodledo.com where you can manage life around contexts instead of mundane blah tasks. Some of my contexts include: Expanding My Community (scheduled correspondence to all friends), Expand my Knowledge (articles to read for class, inspiring stories to feed the soul, etc.) and Restoring My Power (lists of areas I'm behind in or have been withholding communication with people). The moment I feel like I'm dragging my feet, I take a moment to read these contexts and those tasks no longer look like things to do, but rather opportunities to build towards something that's important to me.
What will you create? Once you have it, share it with others, and have them share it with you. Lets get inspired together!
After leaving Chicago in a bit of a mentally paralyzing uncertain state about where I stand in my relationship primarily due to my doubts about myself, I was committed to finding some clarity with no clue how. Not only could I not see the metaphorical forest from the trees, but the fog was so think, I couldn't even see the trees. The minute our flight stabilizes, down came the meal tray and out came my laptop. I was ready to journal and reflect no matter how much typing I had to do.
One of the things Riddhi said really hit home to me, "in whatever a person does, if they don't give it 100%, then what's the point? might as well just give it up and go onto something you CAN commit 100% to", that among many things we talked about during our 4 hr drive to Midway stuck with me. As I started running typographic diarrhea of emotion (and pardon the analogy, y'know sometimes when you've been venting or been in a funk for a while there just comes a time you say "alright pal, enough is enough, just give it up and move on?" .. yeah, that's kind of the effect I was going for with that one), I suddenly heard the words of a coach and dear friend of mine saying,
"Parth, we're all just a bunch of conversations, a series of patterns that react based on triggers...someone flips the switch, pushes THAT button and boom we go, conversations come flooding in, the thing is that we've never been taught how to see which statements in our internal monologue are conversations and how to choose which ones to empower."
So true! It's like TV cords is permanently plugged in, the remote's broke, and the setting's on scan (the monkey mind constantly jumping), and we have no idea how to focus in on what's being said and critically look at it cuz we're just comforted by the noise of it. The overarching themes of those TV shows, or "contexts" behind-the-scenes dictate the story line and so the stories begin. Slowly letting this soak in, I find myself fired up by the prospect of writing my own themes for today and this weekend, allowing myself permission to be totally creative.
I recently came across the following article about a young woman whose sentiment on living life fully really resonated http://bit.ly/137Lbv. I can recall that during those moments I get self conscious about what others might think or how I might get perceived, immediately following comes a sense of "I could have, but didn't". During those moments stories like these are inspiring and motivating in bringing me back to creating my own themes/contexts for MY life and for those individuals and communities I want to touch and empower.
Well, game on! And I invite you to play with me. On this Friday, with the weekend fast approaching, what themes would you like to create? What lights YOU up? What gets YOU out of bed?
I've also learned from past teachers who have said that to keep things in existence, present, and clear, we need precise tools...I recently came across http://www.toodledo.com where you can manage life around contexts instead of mundane blah tasks. Some of my contexts include: Expanding My Community (scheduled correspondence to all friends), Expand my Knowledge (articles to read for class, inspiring stories to feed the soul, etc.) and Restoring My Power (lists of areas I'm behind in or have been withholding communication with people). The moment I feel like I'm dragging my feet, I take a moment to read these contexts and those tasks no longer look like things to do, but rather opportunities to build towards something that's important to me.
What will you create? Once you have it, share it with others, and have them share it with you. Lets get inspired together!
Friday, May 22, 2009
Long Hiatus
So, it's been an incredibly long hiatus since I've posted anything new. Through the various trials and tribulations of life, I now find myself in San Francisco, at the last semester of school at CIIS embarking on an amazing opportunity. This semester we are called to create a project in an area that inspires us.
There are few things I've been toying with:
The first is a novel that has been beating inside of my for about 3 years now about a female character who goes through an incredible journey of discovering herself, of grappling with her own identity and even sexuality at times. She starts her experience of herself in one context-the world she grew up in and so closely identified herself with and then through a dislocation ends up shattering that context situating herself in whole new world and world view. Yeah, sorry, a bunch of big words and heady thoughts, but I don't want to give it away! :-) ...
So that's the first endeavor
The other is actually something that has been beating inside of me for nearly a decade and that's a vision of finally pursuing creating educational curriculum which combines conventional education, transformational education, and service education in indigenous countries - yup, gonna be a bit of a long road and a little off the beaten path, but I feel like I've finally found my calling! I love kids and have worked with them in a number of capacities.
If I could provide a structure where kids can learn math, reading, etc. as well as learning to build communities of acceptance, love, and connection while having the option of mastering their local trade craft, they would be incredibly empowered to design their own life. Anyhow, I'm a big dork and could probably fill up pages and pages of why and what I envision.
I think that's it for now, I'll be sure to update MUCH more frequently moving forward!
There are few things I've been toying with:
The first is a novel that has been beating inside of my for about 3 years now about a female character who goes through an incredible journey of discovering herself, of grappling with her own identity and even sexuality at times. She starts her experience of herself in one context-the world she grew up in and so closely identified herself with and then through a dislocation ends up shattering that context situating herself in whole new world and world view. Yeah, sorry, a bunch of big words and heady thoughts, but I don't want to give it away! :-) ...
So that's the first endeavor
The other is actually something that has been beating inside of me for nearly a decade and that's a vision of finally pursuing creating educational curriculum which combines conventional education, transformational education, and service education in indigenous countries - yup, gonna be a bit of a long road and a little off the beaten path, but I feel like I've finally found my calling! I love kids and have worked with them in a number of capacities.
If I could provide a structure where kids can learn math, reading, etc. as well as learning to build communities of acceptance, love, and connection while having the option of mastering their local trade craft, they would be incredibly empowered to design their own life. Anyhow, I'm a big dork and could probably fill up pages and pages of why and what I envision.
I think that's it for now, I'll be sure to update MUCH more frequently moving forward!
Sunday, August 17, 2008
Expectations and Projections...
It's a funny thing about expectations and reflections ...
I once read,
"That one's perception of the world is a direct reflection of one's perception of one's self."
I've lately been trying to watch how many times throughout the day, I find myself projecting on someone or any particular situation a notion of "should" or "have to". That he "should" feel this way, or this situation "shouldn't" be the way that it is right now. I'm beginning to see how the moment I'm projecting that, that's the very moment that disconnected from being present to that individual and their experience ... or the experience of this particular moment.
The more I'm resisting what's currently happening, ironically what's currently happening tends to magnify or escalate. The moment, I'm equanimous about the current situation and noticing when expectations come up and when I begin projecting, that's the very moment that something totally new - a new relationship with the present moment becomes available. It is in that very moment, I realize choice and what "choice" really is. The moment I'm actively choosing the present moment or being in the present moment, vs. projecting expectations or even being resigned about it - it is in that very moment that I am creatively connected.
It's truly incredible to notice how much of my energy is spend engaged in how people and situations should or shouldn't be. Observing more and more and bringing myself back to the current moment, the more I realize that time is actually moving a bit slower. That I'm able to enjoy each and every moment and however way anyone or anything is is simply perfect. This active engagement is not to be confused with apathy or indifference nor does it mean that one shouldn't have goals or have results they want to produce. Rather, utilizing the experience of equanimity becomes an incredibly powerful access in moving things forward because thoughts, feelings, intentions, even actions become incredibly clear and targetted ...
Interesting :-) ...
I once read,
"That one's perception of the world is a direct reflection of one's perception of one's self."
I've lately been trying to watch how many times throughout the day, I find myself projecting on someone or any particular situation a notion of "should" or "have to". That he "should" feel this way, or this situation "shouldn't" be the way that it is right now. I'm beginning to see how the moment I'm projecting that, that's the very moment that disconnected from being present to that individual and their experience ... or the experience of this particular moment.
The more I'm resisting what's currently happening, ironically what's currently happening tends to magnify or escalate. The moment, I'm equanimous about the current situation and noticing when expectations come up and when I begin projecting, that's the very moment that something totally new - a new relationship with the present moment becomes available. It is in that very moment, I realize choice and what "choice" really is. The moment I'm actively choosing the present moment or being in the present moment, vs. projecting expectations or even being resigned about it - it is in that very moment that I am creatively connected.
It's truly incredible to notice how much of my energy is spend engaged in how people and situations should or shouldn't be. Observing more and more and bringing myself back to the current moment, the more I realize that time is actually moving a bit slower. That I'm able to enjoy each and every moment and however way anyone or anything is is simply perfect. This active engagement is not to be confused with apathy or indifference nor does it mean that one shouldn't have goals or have results they want to produce. Rather, utilizing the experience of equanimity becomes an incredibly powerful access in moving things forward because thoughts, feelings, intentions, even actions become incredibly clear and targetted ...
Interesting :-) ...
Sunday, August 10, 2008
Back in Jersey
So I'm back in Jersey for the first long extended stay since December.....
It's interesting, while things haven't changed much, I know that I've changed a tremendous amount. In these past 7 months, riding literally a roller coaster ride, there have been some incredible lessons learned. Lessons in autonomy, in trust, in faith, in friendship and on a more functional note, lessons in management, leadership, and humility.
Let's re-wind and re-cap:
- End of Jan: I attended a YJA Board meeting not only where I met new members of the local Chicago Convention Committee who we'd be working with to put on the 2008 YJA Convention, but also my partner and girl friend. I met her at probably one of the most prolific junctures in my life - a time when I had moved across the coast endeavoring "to find myself" - or more so see where my internal faith and strength would take me. While I was set on not being in a long distance rel'ship, her heart and soul were simply too beautiful for me to pass up on....
At the same time, I had started the first trimester of my co-hort and was staying with my best friend, Mike....trying to get situated - a stranger in a strange land trying to grow some roots.
- The end of Feb: This marked yet another major transition. Upon returning to SF from the YJA Winter Retreat in the Poconos, I found myself moving to a room in a cabin in a Healing and Wellness Center in the Santa Cruz mountains, about 2 and a half hours outside of San Francisco. Committed to live in a place of spiritual nourishment, I moved in with a roommate who was ardent in not having a roommate. However, after nearly 6 hours of conversations, we realized we were on the same wavelength in terms of how we wanted to evolved and deeply felt a familiarity and a connection, as well as a comfort in knowing that we could help each other in evolving.
It just so happened that the plans for the Marshall Creek Center went through its growing stages as well. Any center not founded on principles of integrity and honesty tends to finds it's way onto the detours of what its inhabitants need in order to grow and evolve. As the seasons changed, so did the intention of Marshall Creek. As financial tolls added up, a place which was once intended to be a Center for Community and Co-creation, found itself switching gears to become more of a space to be rented for healers and therapists to bring their clients to.
I realize even in my own life, how it is much easier to paint a rosy picture of how things are on the outside, when deep inside there could be a storm brewing - a war between the primordial forces of the self tugging the soul in opposing directions. When the forces of power, control, and denial get so strong that it takes up the space which was otherwise meant for love, partnership, and honesty. The funny thing is, is that while one can easily view these shifts and turn from the lens of right/wrong, good/bad ... it is the mature self that realizes that things need to naturally take their course in order to expand and outgrow the paradigms inside of which things once exist. We all karmic relationships to fulfill - just a person meets another for the first time and yet feels a long time connection for lifetimes prior.
And so in three to four short months Marshall Creek was to undergo it's own metastasis, as the people who created it and those who were brought to it.
- fast forward to the end of May: Sensing these subtle yet incredibly powerful shifts, I realized that my journey was to now take another turn out of Marshall Creek. It was time to take this cultivated internal solitude and bring it outward to the other end of the spectrum - to San Francisco. I had spoken to a few people at the hostel I had frequently stayed in about the opportunity to work and live at USA Hostels. I soon found myself moving out of Ben Lomond (where Marshall Creek is) into the heart of San Francisco.
Sensory overload. Having gone from a cabin in the woods connected with nature - the trees, the creek, and the gentle forces surrounding it into an environment of over stimulation and conflicting forces, I found it difficult to cope with. It was a constant process of completing things within myself, switching gears from managing my f/t job at American Access Care, working the graveyard shift at the hostel, helping to plan the YJA 2008 Convention, staying in touch with my other business commitments, and moving a long distance relationship forward. Weeks were moving by as fast as days, and days as fast as hours. Being so in the world of "doing" things and meeting deadlines, it became an extreme challenge continuing to be grounded in the "being" of who I was. After all we're human beings, not human doings....
- end of June: The YJA Convention - the endeavor which had monopolized my time for the past 12 months was now only a few short days away. The countless hours of conference calls, of planning, of negotiating, establishing the foundation of a powerful context, confirming meaningful, enigmatic speakers, and creating sessions with a team of extra-ordinary human beings - aligned with one commitment, finally came to fruition.
Soon after, I came back home to Jersey to spend time with my family. Reconnecting with friends, and at the edge of yet another transition. Coming back to a family situation which hadn't progressed much and a father who's health was ailing, I realized that it was prudent to take a semester off and come back home. Yet another crossroads.....on one hand, the city that I had grown to love and which had fueled my spirit and kindred friends who were fellow seekers and on the other, family responsibilities which beckoned my return, I had to make a choice.
- The present: After a month of traveling, b/w Chicago, NJ, Omaha, Chicago, back to NJ, i'm now back at home, centered, regrouped, and ready for the next 4 mos. of intense work ahead. Between studying for the GMATs, managing work, and www.thebabyshowerstore.com, it's time to switch gears yet again.
One of the major things I want to make sure I incorporate this time around is my connection with my creative muses. While I was cleaning the basement the other day, I came across my old journals. I flipped through pages of thoughts from 2000-2003, flipping through pages of dreams, experiences, and poetry I had written, I realized the passion with which I was searching, yearning to find out "Who I am". In the quietness, falling still in the depths of my mind, I realized the importance of that internal dialogue - the value of taking some time to reflect and express the rawness of my feelings and emotions as they came up and found their voice in lyrical rhyme filling empty pages with creativity.
In the end, everywhere you go, there you are....your dreams, your visions, your fears. So often, we want to distract ourselves from the conversations within with external stimuli, be it TV, etc., that we get wrapped up in the cacoon of our own cacaphony, caught in the web of our construction, that the internal voice - our voice gets softer and softer until one day we forget what it is that we really came here for....
Once again not say that any of those things are "bad" or even deterents, but it's about balance. What a blessing it is when you find kindred spirits who are engaged in the personal inquiry of the self, of one's identity, of one's purpose and manifesting it! Be it God, a higher power, the big "S" in Self, there are paradigms and worlds of experience and articulation that we as human beings are capable of. There are realms, which exist outside of the five senses, we can tap into and faculties waiting to be developed which bring the "being" of human being to greater heights. Being back in this place of stillness of presence, I look forward to seeping the roots of who I am even deeper in the human experience .....
There is much to celebrate and much to create...the more we resonate, the more fun it becomes!
With love,
parth
It's interesting, while things haven't changed much, I know that I've changed a tremendous amount. In these past 7 months, riding literally a roller coaster ride, there have been some incredible lessons learned. Lessons in autonomy, in trust, in faith, in friendship and on a more functional note, lessons in management, leadership, and humility.
Let's re-wind and re-cap:
- End of Jan: I attended a YJA Board meeting not only where I met new members of the local Chicago Convention Committee who we'd be working with to put on the 2008 YJA Convention, but also my partner and girl friend. I met her at probably one of the most prolific junctures in my life - a time when I had moved across the coast endeavoring "to find myself" - or more so see where my internal faith and strength would take me. While I was set on not being in a long distance rel'ship, her heart and soul were simply too beautiful for me to pass up on....
At the same time, I had started the first trimester of my co-hort and was staying with my best friend, Mike....trying to get situated - a stranger in a strange land trying to grow some roots.
- The end of Feb: This marked yet another major transition. Upon returning to SF from the YJA Winter Retreat in the Poconos, I found myself moving to a room in a cabin in a Healing and Wellness Center in the Santa Cruz mountains, about 2 and a half hours outside of San Francisco. Committed to live in a place of spiritual nourishment, I moved in with a roommate who was ardent in not having a roommate. However, after nearly 6 hours of conversations, we realized we were on the same wavelength in terms of how we wanted to evolved and deeply felt a familiarity and a connection, as well as a comfort in knowing that we could help each other in evolving.
It just so happened that the plans for the Marshall Creek Center went through its growing stages as well. Any center not founded on principles of integrity and honesty tends to finds it's way onto the detours of what its inhabitants need in order to grow and evolve. As the seasons changed, so did the intention of Marshall Creek. As financial tolls added up, a place which was once intended to be a Center for Community and Co-creation, found itself switching gears to become more of a space to be rented for healers and therapists to bring their clients to.
I realize even in my own life, how it is much easier to paint a rosy picture of how things are on the outside, when deep inside there could be a storm brewing - a war between the primordial forces of the self tugging the soul in opposing directions. When the forces of power, control, and denial get so strong that it takes up the space which was otherwise meant for love, partnership, and honesty. The funny thing is, is that while one can easily view these shifts and turn from the lens of right/wrong, good/bad ... it is the mature self that realizes that things need to naturally take their course in order to expand and outgrow the paradigms inside of which things once exist. We all karmic relationships to fulfill - just a person meets another for the first time and yet feels a long time connection for lifetimes prior.
And so in three to four short months Marshall Creek was to undergo it's own metastasis, as the people who created it and those who were brought to it.
- fast forward to the end of May: Sensing these subtle yet incredibly powerful shifts, I realized that my journey was to now take another turn out of Marshall Creek. It was time to take this cultivated internal solitude and bring it outward to the other end of the spectrum - to San Francisco. I had spoken to a few people at the hostel I had frequently stayed in about the opportunity to work and live at USA Hostels. I soon found myself moving out of Ben Lomond (where Marshall Creek is) into the heart of San Francisco.
Sensory overload. Having gone from a cabin in the woods connected with nature - the trees, the creek, and the gentle forces surrounding it into an environment of over stimulation and conflicting forces, I found it difficult to cope with. It was a constant process of completing things within myself, switching gears from managing my f/t job at American Access Care, working the graveyard shift at the hostel, helping to plan the YJA 2008 Convention, staying in touch with my other business commitments, and moving a long distance relationship forward. Weeks were moving by as fast as days, and days as fast as hours. Being so in the world of "doing" things and meeting deadlines, it became an extreme challenge continuing to be grounded in the "being" of who I was. After all we're human beings, not human doings....
- end of June: The YJA Convention - the endeavor which had monopolized my time for the past 12 months was now only a few short days away. The countless hours of conference calls, of planning, of negotiating, establishing the foundation of a powerful context, confirming meaningful, enigmatic speakers, and creating sessions with a team of extra-ordinary human beings - aligned with one commitment, finally came to fruition.
Soon after, I came back home to Jersey to spend time with my family. Reconnecting with friends, and at the edge of yet another transition. Coming back to a family situation which hadn't progressed much and a father who's health was ailing, I realized that it was prudent to take a semester off and come back home. Yet another crossroads.....on one hand, the city that I had grown to love and which had fueled my spirit and kindred friends who were fellow seekers and on the other, family responsibilities which beckoned my return, I had to make a choice.
- The present: After a month of traveling, b/w Chicago, NJ, Omaha, Chicago, back to NJ, i'm now back at home, centered, regrouped, and ready for the next 4 mos. of intense work ahead. Between studying for the GMATs, managing work, and www.thebabyshowerstore.com, it's time to switch gears yet again.
One of the major things I want to make sure I incorporate this time around is my connection with my creative muses. While I was cleaning the basement the other day, I came across my old journals. I flipped through pages of thoughts from 2000-2003, flipping through pages of dreams, experiences, and poetry I had written, I realized the passion with which I was searching, yearning to find out "Who I am". In the quietness, falling still in the depths of my mind, I realized the importance of that internal dialogue - the value of taking some time to reflect and express the rawness of my feelings and emotions as they came up and found their voice in lyrical rhyme filling empty pages with creativity.
In the end, everywhere you go, there you are....your dreams, your visions, your fears. So often, we want to distract ourselves from the conversations within with external stimuli, be it TV, etc., that we get wrapped up in the cacoon of our own cacaphony, caught in the web of our construction, that the internal voice - our voice gets softer and softer until one day we forget what it is that we really came here for....
Once again not say that any of those things are "bad" or even deterents, but it's about balance. What a blessing it is when you find kindred spirits who are engaged in the personal inquiry of the self, of one's identity, of one's purpose and manifesting it! Be it God, a higher power, the big "S" in Self, there are paradigms and worlds of experience and articulation that we as human beings are capable of. There are realms, which exist outside of the five senses, we can tap into and faculties waiting to be developed which bring the "being" of human being to greater heights. Being back in this place of stillness of presence, I look forward to seeping the roots of who I am even deeper in the human experience .....
There is much to celebrate and much to create...the more we resonate, the more fun it becomes!
With love,
parth
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